I “Saw” God

By Jonette Crowley, 1996

 

I was participating in a spiritual growth weekend seminar, led by my spirit guide, “Mark”, when an extraordinary, yet simple event took place: I “saw” God. The workshop was called A WEEKEND OF TRANSCENDENCE, so I had an inkling that there were some breakthroughs in store for all of us.

“Mark” began the meditation process by leading the group of 25 of us to encompass enlightened human consciousness. Then we/I went to the level of the consciousness of the Creator/Creation.

The very state of my being was different than I had ever experienced it. I was bound as if I was in a spell. I had thoughts, but they were nothing; emotions, but they were nothing as well. There was nothing to see, nothing to learn, nothing to do, nothing to remember. The place was no-thing, yet everything. What struck me with the greatest impact was that there was no meaning there.

When you glimpse at what really matters, nothing matters. One thing is of sure, all the things I thought mattered, didn’t add up to IT, they do not get you to IT. “IT”? Did I just call God “IT”?

The experience of God/Creator/Creation is so inexpressible, so unalienable; I laugh to think we call it He or she. My experience was at the same time, infinitely small and infinitely huge. Simply, it is beyond words, beyond describing or understanding. So I may as well just call it: “IT” – the experience or state. Most certainly IT is not a thing or personality. For me, IT wasn’t even a light, a force or a power. IT IS.

I remembered that I was teaching, and part of me was concerned that people were getting bored, that maybe I should leave the space and end the meditation. Yet I stayed, in and out of time. I could have stayed there forever. Perhaps I am.

We ended the meditation and the music continued. I held my head in my hands. My mind and tongue were speechless. I tried to comprehend what had just happened. I struggled with my human need for meaning. Why do we humans think that we need to understand something in order to experience it? Do we think that understanding something makes it real or true? What then, do we do with an experience that is so far above understanding that it has no meaning that can be translated or applied to our world?

I was both amused and annoyed when one of the students asked me later, “What is the difference between the Higher Self and Soul?” I wanted to scream, “It doesn’t matter! Who cares? Who CARES? The part of us who cares will never get it! There will never be enough information or ‘right answers’ for that part of us!”

I dismissed the class to take a break. Part of my mind desperately wanted to remember how to think again. I wanted to figure out what I should do next. Yet my reason and intellect had left me. I was empty.

Then I was filled with emotion. Convulsing in sobs of gratitude, I was humbled and deified at the same moment. Did I really touch the Creator/Creation? Even while my soul communed with the consciousness of Masters, my human emotions had been petty. Early on in the meditation I had heard Ed in the kitchen and I was angry at his lack of consideration. I prayed that I could get where I needed to go in spite of my emotions. I did.

Is there a learning here? (You see, as a teacher, nothing has real meaning unless there is a lesson or jewel of wisdom to be hung onto to tell others about). What does it mean if I can gain access to such a state, even if I was just angry? It may mean that the part of me that gets angry is hardly big or important enough to impede my progress to God. I don’t have to fix my emotions or have a perfect personality to know God. God would be laughing right now in delight that I finally figured that one out.

My rational self is asking, of course, did I really experience God? My answer is YES! I experienced it as much as I am capable of doing so. How do I know? Because. Just because . . .

Emotions other than gratitude came tumbling out. Fear. Does this mean I’ll have to live differently? If so, can I? And if my life doesn’t change, of what value was the experience? I know THAT answer. The experience was so whole, complete, and profound unto itself that IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT IS NOTHING. It wasn’t about learning something or changing anything. I could change my life, or not. It doesn’t matter.

Also fearlessness was there; fearlessness that I do not need to worry whether I am doing the right thing. Am I doing the right work? Am I doing it smartly enough? Fast enough? You got it. It doesn’t matter. The only one it matters to is me, and I do not really matter, for that matter.

Guilt came out too. How could I achieve this space even though I eat meat, even though I do not meditate daily, even though I was mad at Ed? Guess that is another joke. Right and wrong are inventions of the small human mind that keep us from God.

Ed asked me at dinner what two or three things I learned from the experience. I had to say, “nothing”. I now appreciate why people who have near death experiences often keep them to themselves. There is really nothing to say that is in the same realm as the experience. I learned nothing. There is nothing more to say. IT IS.

No doubt that as the days and years go by, I will have lots of meaning, lessons, and insights about the whole experience. But I’m writing this so that I always remember that all the meaning, conclusions, lessons and insights are made up by me AFTER the fact. The experience itself needed no meaning.